A Letter
by dilero
Summary: After five weeks of reflection, a letter. Characters are property of ABC Studio Productions. I own nothing.
1. Chapter 1

**A LETTER**

Kate,

I am sitting here on the Saturday of 4th of July weekend realizing that it has been five weeks now since I have seen Alexis, mother and you. It's good that summer days provide extended hours of light because that is truly the only bright spot in my existence. I miss them so very much, and even with the state of our situation, I miss you deeply.

Bringing Gina with me appeared to be the only option that I had available at the time. She was my 'any port in a storm'. Being my editor, I knew that she was probably getting a lot of pressure from Black Pawn to get _Naked Heat_ to publication, so it was in her best interest to insure that I was diligent in bringing it to completion. 'Any port in a storm' certainly implies one's desperate choice, and in this instance it was ever so true. I can't blame her for 'wanting what she wants', but it became apparent that I was not going to get any writing done by being harassed about it. She lasted about a week before I had to call the car service to take her back to Manhattan.

Over the past month I have been able to tie some of the threads together that will enable me to have the book maintain a sensible flow. Although it hurt, I did a lot of reflecting on our time together. Through that reflection I was able to capture all of the nuances that take place in the commission of a crime, in the investigation of the crime and in the people involved in the crime (victims, suspects, investigators). All of these people come to the event with their own background, and sometimes with their own agendas. Fleshing out those backgrounds and identifying those agendas are what you do each and every day, and it is what I write about.

I love the work that you do and I am proud of you for how you do it. You provide a dedicated service to the people of New York. Your empathy for victims, your steadfast determination to bring about whatever justice might be available and that beautiful mind that is filled with the capacity for deductive reasoning. I must say, however, that as much as I love how you do what you do, I also hate that you do it. I hate the fact that you are in harm's way. I hate the fact that day after day you are forced to experience the worst of society, both in events and people. In my time with you I cannot say for certain that part of my task, or assistance might have been to at least make you smile once a day. Perhaps, I went about it the wrong way, but I tried not to make it all 'gallows humor' by spicing it up or presenting myself as being self absorbed allowing you the opportunity to come back at me. The banter was indeed fun, but it was also hopefully a release from the misery you have to face.

I guess the biggest thing that I discovered was also what made me write to you. I don't know whether I will mail this letter, or whether it will just serve to be my catharsis. We spent our days analyzing evidence as well as the real and suspected participants in a crime. Our task was to determine the motive, the opportunity and the means for someone to commit the offense. It would be up to the DA to proffer, in their terms, the mens rea (a criminal intent) to the court system, but you (and perhaps we sometimes) had to provide the groundwork for that to be able to take place. The dynamics of the dialogue that took place between us during those investigations I would like to think made it easier for you to sift through the myriad of things that would arise. I guess it would be up to you to determine if that were so.

The more I thought about the criteria for the investigations; motive, opportunity and means, the more I began to use them to analyze my relationship with you. The opportunity for us to get to know one another was certainly there. Even with our current situation being what it is, beyond anything else, I am grateful for the opportunity you gave me to experience you and your life.

The means may be the most difficult portion of the puzzle to solve. I do have the capacity for insight, and I did become adept at reading your facial expressions, your eyes and your motivations. However, I must have been deficient in my ability to exhibit the proper behavior that would allow you to know what was in my mind, and in my heart. I guess to steal another legal phrase, res ipsa loquitur (the thing speaks for itself), I thought that what I was doing would be enough to make those things demonstrate my concern for you, my caring for you and my love for you. If it was, and you just chose not to want me I would have been crushed, but I would have at least understood. If it wasn't, then I have to look at motive as being the determining factor.

I know that early on you gave intimations that I saw you as an opportunity for 'another notch on my bedpost'. I had to take that to mean that you were solely tied to the public persona that had been developed about me in the press. I guess that is why I tried to make my res ipsa loquitur demonstrate something else. Obviously, that failed. So what could I have done a better job at with regard to motive?

Kate, I will not deny or apologize for the fact that I found you to be the most beautiful woman that I had ever encountered, and that nothing would have made me happier than to be in a relationship with you. The more time I spent with you the more I was able to experience your mind. You are beautiful, but your mind out distances your physical attributes in so many ways. As our time together progressed I almost desperately wanted you to want me. If you had wanted me half as much as I wanted you, I would have felt that my life would have been complete. Those eyes, that smile, I wanted them to be directed at me. I guess selfishly, I wanted them always to be solely directed at me.

Five weeks of reflection and analysis has led me to this conclusion; I should have told you that I wanted to be more than your unofficial partner, more than your friend, that I wanted _us_ to be 'together', always. Certainly, I would have wanted marriage, but it was not my intent to ask you to marry me at that juncture, only to clarify my motive so there would not have been any hidden agenda for you to need to decipher. It may have turned you off at that very moment and ended our time together, but in reflection it could not have been any worse than what I have experienced of late, and where I am now.

Should this ever reach you, I want you to know that along with Alexis and mother, you are the most cherished thing in my life. My love for them is unconditional, but assuredly different than the unconditional love and passion that a man can have for a woman.

Please be safe.

Rick


	2. Chapter 2

**A RESPONSE**

Hi,

I am safe. But now, after receiving your letter, I do know how I could be safer. What I do not know is how we can be so foolish.

For two people who are unrelenting in their efforts to handle the grief and heartaches that others face day in and day out, and seek to bring them justice, or bring them the solace that you brought me through your books, how can we be so insecure with one another? I know that you are a writer and that I am a reader, and that all of the things that you so beautifully described in your letter could have wiped away months of pain and suffering for both of us, but why were we not able to say the words? Is this what we are left with, writing truths from afar? Surely we have it within us to do better than that.

I know that I have used, us and we, in describing truths, but so far it has only been you that has taken the risk to share your thoughts and your heart. I know that your letter was not meant to be a challenge to me, but that is what it has become. I have just realized that my writing has mirrored how I interact with you. Barely three paragraphs, and I have used four 'buts' already. Why does there have to be a 'but'? I heard once that when people are trying to tell you something that includes a 'but' in the sentence, the truth of what they are feeling or thinking is what is said after the 'but'. I want to say the things to you that you wrote to me, _but_ what if I risk too much?; what if it changes us?; what if I get hurt? All of those things after the 'but' have served to put a stranglehold on my ability to deal with you. I do not want that to continue. If you are willing to tell me that you cherish me, I have to be willing to accept the fact that you will not knowingly hurt me. If you are willing to love me unconditionally, I have to acknowledge that you will allow me to make mistakes without repercussions. I have read all of your books. Hundreds of thousands of words. _But_, your brief letter provided me with more insight, strength and hope than anything that has come before.

When you left that day, now six weeks ago, I wanted to tell you what our relationship meant to me and how I had finally realized that you really cared for me beyond being a partner and a friend, and that I felt the same way. Instead, I blathered on about enjoying our time together. I also wanted to tell you that I was not with Tom anymore. I realized that you were the one I was truly interested in developing a deeper relationship with. Rick, please believe me that I never meant to hurt you by lying and by being with Tom. To be truthful, I was so blind that I did not know that I could hurt you. Unfortunately, it is only now that I can see what it did to you. During that time my mind's eye thought it could detect that something was effecting you, _but_ I did not have the where with all to be able to confront what my behavior was causing. You see, another damn 'but'. I do not want to spend my life, or possibly our life with any more 'buts'.

You wrote to me that you unconditionally loved me, and that you cherished me. I am writing to you to tell you the same. _**BUT**_, I do not want this to be the only way that we can communicate with one another. I will read your books and letters forever more, _**BUT**_ I want to hear you say you love me to my face, at the most innocuous times and at the most important times. I want to look at you and tell you how you bring joy and laughter to my life; how much I appreciate all the things you have ever done for me and will hopefully do in the future; I want to love you and say that I love you; and I want our actions to demonstrate how much we mean to one another.

I know there have been times when you felt I chose to believe that what others wrote about you was the truth and even that your own actions caused me to have doubts about trusting you. I also know that right now I have demonstrated behavior that has caused you to have doubts about trusting me. We said that we would see each other in the fall. I realize that because of what you had witnessed there would also be the possibility that we would never see one another again. Even though I know that we have to come to terms with so many different things, I am writing to you to tell you that I want to see you this very minute. That I want us to have the opportunity to directly say things to each other. How that is to come about, I do not know, _but_ it is what I want and what I hope you want.

You told me to be safe. I try very hard to protect myself from the 'sometime danger' of my job, and the 'self-inflicted constant danger' of my emotional being. I never felt safer in my life than when I was walking in the ruins of my burning apartment with your arms around me. To know that you cherish me and unconditionally love me with the passion that a man can have for a woman, there is no need for me to feel that I have to protect myself from you. There will be no 'but' attached to that sentence.

I want you to know that as safe as I was in your arms, I want you to feel that same degree of safety in my arms.

Me


	3. Chapter 3

**A TELEPHONE CALL**

Following a late afternoon of filing the requisite paperwork seeking warrants for the search of the home, car and office of a prime suspect in her team's latest murder investigation, Kate Beckett had left the 12th Precinct arriving home shortly before seven o'clock. Almost immediately after she entered her apartment, her cell phone chimed.

"I just left there, why didn't they catch me before I got all the way home?", she sighed.

"Beckett"

"Hello, Kate", came the sound of the voice that she had so desperately missed.

"Castle"

There was a pause that seemed to last for an eternity. Finally, the voice almost whispered "I guess I thought after your letter it would be different."

"Castle, what are you talking about?"

Again the silence was deafening.

"Castle, please talk to me, I meant everything I said in my letter. God please let's don't go back to being as foolish as we have been in the past", she pleaded.

Again, the long pause. "I was hoping you would recognize me, and want to talk to me, not the persona."

Her heart was racing. She began pacing the living room of her apartment. She had been caught completely by surprise at his call, and she was struggling to make sense of his disheartened tone. All she had done was answer the phone, and respond to his "Hello, Kate" by saying "Cas... _Dammit_.

Kate quickly jumped in, "Rick, I was shocked to hear your voice, and I responded out of habit. Please believe that I was not relegating you to that. I know that is not how I need to address you. Hell, you know that I know that is not even your real name. Please don't cut off our first conversation in what seems like forever because I misspoke."

"I love you Kate, and I have missed you more than you will ever know. I'm not about to cut off our conversation now, nor in the future. It's just not what I was hoping to hear."

"Rick, I want to crawl directly through this telephone so that you can see my face and my eyes, and realize the sincerity of what I am saying. It's scary sometimes that you can read me that well, and I most assuredly need you to be able to do that now. And, I love you too. I'm sorry that was a little out of nowhere. I just wanted to make sure I said the words to you in case I got hyper again."

"If you are biting you lower lip, I can only envision how adorable you look. …...And now, if your cheeks are beginning to flush you are moving toward that alluring look."

"Rick, I am pacing the floor here like a silly teenager, you keep saying those things and I'm going to trip over something, or run into a wall. Then what are you going to do if I wind up in a cast, or sling or something?"

"I will take care of you forever and a day."

…..."Oh God, please stop. My endorphins are raging. It's killing me not to have you right here in front of me. What are we going to do?"

"Kate, when I write I have all of these ideas, situations, chronologies and such racing through my brain. It's not until I put my fingers to the keys that I can empty those thoughts to make room for the next processing. When I spent all of this time reflecting on us there was nothing else that could fight its way into my brain. When I finally put pen to paper, it did literally become a catharsis. I knew that if I was going to be true to the most precious position that you have in my life, I had to offer those thoughts to you. That is why I sent the letter. By then, even if you still rejected my 'motive' and my 'being', the hurt and pain that would come from that would be no greater than what I was already experiencing, and at least I would have let you know what you mean to me. The fact that you responded and shared things that I was unaware of has perhaps given me a glimmer of hope. 'What are we going to do?' At this point, I am trying to take the Katherine Beckett approach, 'treading cautiously'."

"Rick, I'm sorry that the phone call startled me. The phone did not register that it was you that was calling. I'm not using that as an excuse because I most likely would have been so surprised that I would have said Castle anyway."

"When I left in May, I discontinued my existing cell phone service and purchased a new one. I knew that you had my previous number programmed into your phone and I felt that if it was necessary to extricate myself from your work and your life in order for you to be comfortable and happy, I needed to make sure there were no loose ends. I probably forgot a few, but I tried to address as many as I could. The biggest of those would be Alexis and mother. I guess I determined that I had all summer to come up with something to deal with their relationship with you. Unfortunately, we are a month into summer, and I do not have a clue as to how I would go about that, short of lying to them."

"Now, have these last few exchanges served to corral your endorphins?"

"They did until you brought it up again. Quit it!"

"Oh, now I supposed we have the furrowed brow and rolling eyes."

"Stop it. I'm about to do a room search to see if you have put remote control cameras in here. How can you know me so well, and me not be able to recognize it? The Katherine Beckett approach may not be our best option here."

"My God, Kate, how I have missed talking with you."

The tears were starting to roll down her cheeks as she pleaded, "Rick, please stop. I can't stand it. I want you to hold me. I want you to tell me that we will be alright, and that we will figure out a way to deal with everything."

"Kate, I am going to hang up...

"God no, please don't go."

"Kate, listen to me. I'm going to hang up. You are going to go in and wash your face, eat something and make yourself comfortable. Then we will try this again in thirty minutes. Okay?"

"Rick, I love you more than life itself, but if you don't call me in thirty minutes, I will get to you and you can yell 'apples' at the top of your lungs, but no one will ever find your nose, or your left ear. Do you understand me?"

"I love you too, Kate. Thirty minutes."


	4. Chapter 4

**ANOTHER TELEPHONE CALL**

Kate finally put down her purse and her cell phone. She went to her bathroom and thoroughly scrubbed her face trying to snap herself out of her hyper-kinetic state. _My God, I sounded like an imbecile. I couldn't stay focused. How is he staying so calm? Oh, that voice, those words. He is not going to judge me, so just lighten up. We both know now that we have missed one another, so we don't have to dwell on that. We have to start developing an approach that will get us back together. Back together? We haven't been together yet. Why does it feel like we had been? Where did we go wrong? I guess that is what the letters took care of. Now we are talking. The next step has got to involve physical presence. Can we handle that and where?_

After washing her face, Kate went into her bedroom removing her work clothes and putting on one of Rick's dress shirts that he had given her to wear while she had stayed at the loft. _Why do you still have it? It just got stuck in with my clothes when I packed to go to my new apartment. It's none of your damn business. Good Lord, now I'm having an out and out two person conversation in my head._

As she moved from the bedroom through the living room her eyes scanned the crown molding of her ceiling and the apartment's ventilation outlets. _Surely there are no cameras up there._ Entering the kitchen, Kate removed a wine glass from the rack and poured a significant amount of a delicious wine that Rick had given her on an earlier occasion. Throwing together a salad and slicing off a piece of French bread, she took her nourishment back to her bedroom. She propped the pillows behind her back and began to enjoy her dinner. _The wine is a helluva a lot better than the salad. Eleven more minutes._

5, 4, 3...

The cell phone chimes.

"Hello"

"Hello, Kate. Are you better now?"

She responded, "Why did you have to take it down to almost the last second?"

The slight pause made her realize that she could almost envision him shaking his head as he said, "You see that is something we are going to have to work on. You feel that I am making you wait by taking it down to the last second, while I'm feeling that I'm giving you the entire thirty minutes to do what you needed to do. Kate, I would never try to manipulate you. There is nothing better in our interactions than the fact that we bring different perspectives to light, but as I mentioned in my letter, you don't have to look for hidden agendas regarding me because there are none, and there will be none."

"Now I suppose you want to hang up so we can try this again hoping that the third time is a charm, and I will get things right."

"There is only one thing for my purposes that involves that phrase and you, and that is for a discussion at another time. Did you get something to eat?"

"Yes. I'm having a salad, some French bread and a glass of one of the bottles of wine that you gave me to replace the bottles destroyed in the bomb blast. The wine is very good. Tell me how you are staying so calm through these conversations? I'm sorry I was so scattered, but the call came out of the blue and it caught me off guard. How are you doing it?"

"I'm not sure what to say first. I guess since I said 'say', I will address that first. Your letter emphasized the fact that we needed to start saying the things that we were feeling not just write them down. So in the spirit of self-disclosure I will tell you that for the past several months and continuing at this moment, I may appear to be a duck gently drifting along the water's current, but underneath I'm paddling like hell. What I had to witness at the precinct was killing me. Obviously the things that I had done for over a year were either poorly presented, or unwanted. I take full responsibility if it was the former, and the latter would have simply been your choice. The day before I left your intentions came into full focus. I guess now with your letter's disclosures I might see things differently, but that is all I had at the time. I virtually shut down, and I had been that way until I wrote to you. I know that I told you that I brought some things into focus that would enable me to finish the book, but I had not written one word of _Naked Heat_ during that five week period. After I sent the letter, I became somewhat more productive. Your response has allowed me to become even more so. The direction of the book might change due to your disclosures, and I will have to grapple with that. The distance that separates us doesn't lend itself for us to do this face to face, so I thought the next best thing was to call. I know that you have your responsibilities, and I know that I am under contract to deliver this book in another six to seven weeks, so there are restrictions involved. Am I making any sense to you?"

"Yes, you are making perfect sense, but that doesn't mean that I like it. I'm also not going to quarrel with you about what you did wrong, or what I did wrong. As long as we acknowledge the fact that we have been foolish and we are going to do something about it. I also know that this might not have a happy ending. We may have been destined to be the very best of friends and that was it. I guess I don't think that is true, otherwise I would not want to explore the physical attraction that we both seem to hold. I love the way that you are with your family, and I love the way that you at times have made me feel that I was almost a member of that family. Your flippancy at the times that may have provided the opportunity for me to see things differently truly annoyed me. I guess those are the foolish things that I reflect on. As I wrote in my letter, I never meant to hurt you, but at the same time I didn't know that you had given me the ability to do it. How could I mean anything to someone who wouldn't be forthright with their feelings for me. I understand that sentence can go both ways, that is why we share the responsibility for the foolishness."

As he pondered where they go from here, he offered, "So, what do we talk about now? Do I ask you if there are things that you need me to explain verbally, and then provide the answers? We haven't seen one another for so long we can't relate to everyday occurrences to spark conversation, and I agree that rehashing 'old wrongs' is not going to get us anywhere. I certainly can spend the rest of the night telling you what you mean to me, but I would rather demonstrate that to you. And, that was not meant in a sexual way, although I would love that as well. Is there something that you want to know?"

"How long is it going to take for you to finish the book? Believe me, I'm not about to harp at you like Gina. I'm just trying to gauge things."

"At this point it is not how long it's going to take, it's the fact that I have only six to seven weeks to finish. In my 'writing world', I would say it would take me another three to four months, but I do not have that luxury. I lost those months this past spring. I'm not saying that to insinuate anything, that was just my reality at the time and I'm paying for it now. I could reimburse them monies that they could claim according to the penalty clauses of our contract, and have the due date extended, but then that involves an extensive amount of publicity efforts being rearranged, and further fees, etc. Believe me, it's not the money part that is a concern. And, I don't say that flippantly. I know that we have been blessed far beyond our expectations, but Alexis and I do have to keep 'the wolf away from the door', just like everyone else. It's the mere fact that I entered into a agreement to do something, so it's incumbent upon me to deliver. I have never been late before, and I truly don't want to start now. Especially if it might mean that I have to be able to make my contribution to fending for the three of us in the future."

"Especially if it might mean...fending for the three of us. Are you implying that I am high maintenance?", she nudged.

Deciding to address the ridiculous question with a like response, "Absolutely. Do you know the cost of daily espressos, bear claws, double cheeseburgers, extra fries and never ending strawberry milkshakes? Let alone the therapy that I will have to be involved in to make sure that I don't make any mistakes with you."

"I have fifty-two inches worth of arms and hands that I guarantee will take care of any therapy needs that you might ever have."

The silence was deafening. "...That may be the nicest thing that you have ever said to me."

"Are you sure you weren't thinking to turn that around with an offer to me of another measured part of the anatomy?"

"Kate, Castle may very well have, Rick can only tell you that if the physical relationship is half as stimulating and satisfying as the love and care that he has for you, we should be able to enjoy a lifetime of carnal adventures."

"I must say, that was a pretty damn good response."

"I will seek to assure that all of your responses are even better than 'damn good'. I have always felt that the most sexual organ of the body is the mind. Knowing mine, and getting to know yours has led me to believe that simple verbal offerings and physical gestures will forever enable us to entice one another. Something that I am fighting to restrain myself from doing with you right now to ensure that you have a blissful night's sleep...This conversation certainly went in a different direction. I'm sorry."

"Rick, please don't ever be sorry for that. You are not alone in those thoughts. I just wish we were not constrained at the moment. Can't you think quicker, or type faster, or something?"

"Kate, my sole focus at this point is you and us. To get to you I have to finish this thing. I promise that I will be diligent everyday to make sure that it is worthy of your reading, but done as quickly as I possibly can. I know that you never can predict what will come up in your work and how long it will take to manage and resolve a case. Since I would like to continue talking to you on a daily basis, and since I will be the one locked in a singular location could you be the one that initiates the call? I'm afraid that if I try to call I'll catch you at an inopportune time. If the writing somehow moves along at an ever increasing pace and your workload provides a momentary break, perhaps we can see one another before the summer is over."

"Please know that when I say that I hate this, it doesn't mean that I hate what were doing. Writing to you and talking to you has been an absolute joy. It is not enough, however. I understand our responsibilities, and I know that we will both meet them. I certainly will initiate daily calls, but if there is a time when you have a need, or even a want, please don't worry about bothering me. You have been bothering me for a year and a half. Some of it filled with pain, but most it filled with expectation. I will not allow us to mess this up."

"Kate, I love you so very much. Please hear my voice in your ear as you drift off to sleep in my arms."

"I love you, too. Thanks for holding me. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

_Author's note:_

_It was my intent to adjust the rating of this piece from a 'T' to an 'M' because the original ending of this chapter was to have included a hopefully highly charged sensual exchange that definitely provided Kate with blissful sleep. However, since one cannot control access, I was afraid that it might not be appropriate._


	5. Chapter 5

**THE INTERIM**

Letters and telephone calls, the means of communication for a long distance relationship. Perhaps long distance is not the proper terminology since the separation is only two hours, but the respective responsibilities of the two has served to be the bane of their situation.

Since the initial two phone calls that were truly just one call, at least once daily conversations had taken place in the ensuing week. The lengthier calls were saved for bedtime hours, while brief hellos would occur throughout Kate's workday. Both tried to maintain the others' spirit of moving forward even though the need for physical presence sometimes became at the very least frustrating and often times overwhelming.

Kate and her 'boys' had been working on a double homicide that had occurred as the result of a botched transfer of stolen property between tenuously coexisting groups of 'made men'. The stolen property angle had served to bring the precinct's robbery division into the investigation, hence putting Kate into a situation of working with Tom Demming again. This circumstance served as the fodder for one of their late night calls, and illustrated their growing ability to handle what life may present to them while never forgetting the love and passion that continued to simmer.

"_Are you okay with this?", she asked._

" _I guess my initial response would be that I'm not okay with it, but I certainly understand_ ." _Rick replied. "Kate, even if I didn't trust the things that you have said to me over the last few weeks, I certainly am not going to say anything about what you do, or who you do it with, and that goes for both your professional and personal life. If it causes me anxiety, that is something that I am responsible for, not you."_

"_I can appreciate your words, but I don't want to put any obstacles in our way, especially since we have made such progress lately."_

"_Kate, I will not let this be an obstacle for us. I am responsible for my own insecurities with regard to you, and I will deal with it. It does, however, bring to light a matter which at some point we will have to deal with, and that is 'whether I ever come back to the precinct'."_

"_Whether you ever come back.", she said abruptly. "What is that supposed to mean?"_

"_Whether I ever come back to the precinct, not whether I come back to you and us.", Rick replied. "Had we never written the letters, nor talked on the phone, I would never have returned to the precinct or to shadowing you. I would never allow myself to interfere with your life and I am not masochistic enough to want to put myself in a position to have to continue in the future to experience the things from this past spring."_

"_So, when you said 'see you in the fall', you didn't mean it?"_

" _I will admit that when I said that, they were just words. I was so lost that I just had to get __out of there. During my period of reflection, having recognized that I said that, I knew that when I returned to Manhattan it would be incumbent upon me to contact you to make sure __that you were safe, but I would not have done that at the precinct. How I would have done that, I cannot tell you, but I would have come up with some manner of approach." _

"_What are we going to do about working together? I don't mean to be selfish, but I miss being able to spend our days together, and I grew accustomed to the way that we complimented one another in handling cases."_

"_Talk about being conflicted, aside from Alexis and mother, and of course you, those two things had become the brighter part of my existence over the past year and half. I am open to anything that you might be able to suggest to help me deal with my insecurities, but I knew that once we began connecting again it is something that would have to be addressed. There is another area of working together that might be even more daunting than my misgivings about being around the station, and that has to do with your safety. I know that you do not need to be protected, so don't roll your eyes at me. Even when everything I tried to do to show you how much I cared for you met with your dismissal of me, I tried to make sure that I was always aware of what I might be called upon to do to ensure your safety. Sometimes I did things you didn't want me to do, and it would either frustrate you, or anger you. Now that you have made me feel that you do care for me and that you understand what you mean to me, I fear that protective nature may come to the forefront even more often, and to put it bluntly I run the risk of pissing you off on a daily basis, or doing something that may put you at risk. Does any of this make sense to you?"_

"_My first response is that you're an idiot. My second response is that I love you and I love the fact I mean so much to you. About your insecurities. You can't feel that way about the homicide division. They all have missed you very much, and you know that Esposito and Ryan look at you as another partner. The Captain likes you, but also loves how you have assisted with clearing cases. Now, get this straight, my insecurities and blindness made me stifle my attention to your true actions. They also led to my involvement with Tom. These things are my responsibility and I will handle them. You will not be made to feel uncomfortable, and anything that I have to do professionally that might include him will be simply that, professional. You told me that you have no hidden agendas, well neither do I. I"m not about to give any impression to Tom that I am interested in him on a personal level and I'm going to make sure that he is aware of that and that you are aware of that. As to your protective nature, I can understand what you are saying and how I likely have reacted to some of your actions in the past. My first thought is that you accompanying me at crime scenes and we work together at the precinct as we have in the past, however you do not go with us when we are making an arrest or doing surveillance that is a precursor to an arrest. I know you don't want me to get hurt and I don't want you to get hurt either, but if we spend too much energy worrying about one another then we open ourselves up to the possibility of injury."_

"_Kate, I'm not insecure about anything in my life except you. I know that I have a modicum of intelligence; I know that I can take care of myself; I know that I can provide for myself and my family; and I know that I have a mother and daughter that love me. All these many months I have treasured the time that I have been able to spend with you, but I don't know that there was not a time when I was not scared to be with you because I was afraid that I was going to make a mistake. The more that I was with you, the more that I knew that I was growing to love you. The deeper that got, the more afraid I became. When you continued to not respond to my efforts to demonstrate my feelings, there were times that the fear almost became a panic. If I did the wrong thing, or said the wrong thing, I might turn you away from me forever. I'm not trying to shift this responsibility to you, I'm just trying to let you know where I'm coming from. With mother's life, and now my own, I have virtually spent my entire life in show business. I'm not saying that there aren't good times, but there are so many more times that the people are so vapid and shallow, and the circumstances of everyday life are so contrived, that you wonder whether anything will ever be genuine. I know that you are not a 'child of that environment', but you are dealing with someone who has always recognized that he is, and has worked very hard to make sure that he never succumbs to it. You are genuine to me, and my love for you is genuine. Please know that what ever mistakes I make they will come from trying too hard to do the right thing as opposed to be frivolously considered actions."_

_Rick continued, "With regard to our working together, your thoughts have obviously been well considered. I can see the logic in all of them. I must say that the part about not accompanying you and the guys when arrests are to be made or some danger might be involved is certainly legitimate. What I think of, however, is the plight of a parent. I sit at home waiting for a call or for the front door to open to let me know that Alexis has returned home safely from a date or a night out with her girlfriends. I can now envision me sitting at your desk or in my study waiting for you to call or come home. I am not going to like that, but I can identify the merit in what you say... Do I get to tell you that you have to be home by eleven?"_

"_You may be an idiot, but you are certainly a lovable one. 'Yes Daddy, I will be home by eleven.' Thank you for being so open with me about your fears and sharing with me about your life. Please know that you were not alone in those feelings. I may not have had the fear of making mistakes with you, but I sure didn't know what to do with all of the thoughts and feelings that were growing inside me regarding you. Those are the things that made me retreat so many times. I'm sorry that it took me so long to discover that I didn't have anything to fear with you."_

"_Kate, did you smile today?"_

"_I'm smiling now."_

"_No, I mean while you were at work."_

"_Well, since we didn't get a chance to have one of our midday 'fixes', and I was concerned about the fact of talking to you tonight about the joint investigation, I guess I didn't."_

The pace of the conversation began to slow and the voices became hushed whispers at times.

"_Where are you?"_

"_I'm in bed."_

"_What are you wearing?"_

"_What?"_

"_What are you wearing?"_

"_Uh, I have on a bra and panties, …...and one of your shirts."_

"_One of my shirts. Where did that come from?"_

"_You gave me one to wear while I was staying at the loft, and...it happened to have...gotten in with my clothes when I moved to the new apartment."_

"_Oh... Is it buttoned up?"_

"_Yes."_

"_Is it alright if I unbuttoned it?"_

"_Yes."_

"_Does your bra have a front clasp?"_

"_Yes."_

"_May I unhook it?"_

"_Uh, yes. Rick..."_

"_Kate, I'm going to start with your earlobes, gently brushing my lips against them and then allowing my tongue to trace their delicate surface."_

"_My God, what are you doing?"_

"_Now I am going to circle your neck with my lips savoring your cherry scent. As I move down from your neck, I'm going to spread your shirt apart with my hands while my face spreads your bra apart. My lips are going to your nipples, barely grazing their tautness... With my teeth I'm going to lightly circle your nipples as they grow even harder... My tongue is now moving down your chest and stomach to your navel as I begin to surround it with my lips... Kate, open the palm of your left hand... I want you to feel my lips kissing your palm and my tongue making circular motions right in the center of your palm."_

"_This is not possible. Rick..."_

"_Kate, I'm going to kiss your softness through your panties. Is that alright?"_

"_God, yes."_

"_Can you feel my lips? Um-mm, Kate your panties are soaked."_

"_Ya think! Jesus, what are you doing to me?"_

"_Do you want me to stop?"_

"_What? I've told you that I sleep with a gun beside my bed. I know that you are not physically here, I think, but I will track you down if you even think about stopping."_

"_Kate, lift your hips so I can slide your panties off... I will let them gently trace the length of your beautiful legs as I remove them... My lips can now directly kiss your softness as I caress your hips with my hands... Since my hands are underneath you, take your fingers and spread your lips apart so I can circle your clit with my tongue, and then suck it into my mouth while I gently tease it with my teeth."_

"_This cannot be happening. Rick, I'm going to..."_

"_Just say when Kate, and I will move my fingers to your nipples so that I can intensify your orgasm by pinching them."_

"_Now."_

"_Are you sure?"_

"_Yes, now."_

"_Are you really sure?"_

"_Dammit, NOW! Oh my God, Oh my God, Rick. After thrashing about on the bed for what seemed like forever, Kate said with a demure giggle in her voice, "This cannot have happened."_

"_Ah, the telltale sign of ecstasy experienced." "Don't lose the momentum."_

"_What? Momentum. What are you talking abo..."_

"_Roll over on your stomach, Kate... I'm going to start at your ankles and run my tongue the length of your right leg, pausing at the top to run my lips over your beautiful hips before I start to descend down your left leg... Spreading your legs apart I will kiss your inner thighs and once again taste the warm fluid of your softness... I am taking my tongue and running it right through the cleavage of your hips directly up your spine. Can you feel the electricity?_

"_Yes. Yes."_

"_Kate, I'm going to spread your hips apart and tickle your bottom with my tongue. Is that alright?"_

"_I am absolutely lost in us, do anything, just do not stop."_

"_Can you feel my tongue tickling your bottom."_

"_This is unbelievable. Rick, I am about to..."_

"_Let it build... I'm going to put my finger in your softness so that it will be moistened with your fluids... Now I can slide it right inside your bottom and gently stroke you."_

"_I can't wait. I can't wait. Oh, Oh, Oh... aaaah." Panting heavily she gasped, "Oh, my God, Rick, what are we doing?"_

"_I'm just loving you, Kate, and it's nice that there are so many ways to do it. Were we able to maintain your smile?"_

"_I can't move any body part, let alone a facial muscle. There is no way that this just happened. I know that we are not to talk about either one of our pasts, but I'm sorry, never in my life have I experienced most of the things that just took place. How can you make me wet by kissing the palm of my hand?"_

"_Because I love you and you said that you loved me."_

"_Then I'm in love for the very first time."_

"_Does that mean you would like for us to do this again?"_

"_Rick, I have never demanded anything from you, nor have I ever begged you for anything. Whichever one of those works is what will take place to ensure that this becomes a part of our regular routine when we have to be apart. This being apart is really pissing me off now."_

"_Kate, this can provide you with a nice way to go to sleep at night, but we have to set up something to provide you with a smile during the day... When you go to your desk at the precinct, sit in your chair and roll it as close to the desk as possible. Close your eyes and envision me under your desk waiting for you. I will run my hands up the sides of your legs and then spread them apart so I can press my lips on your softness through your slacks. Then just remember how much you filled my mouth with your orgasm...Should you want to feel something other than my lips, if there is no one watching, gently sit in my chair beside your desk and you will feel my hardness slide inside you as you sit in my lap."_

"_You are unbelievable. If either one, or both of those things brings about even one tenth the response that tonight did you may be considered to be a very dangerous man."_

"_I'm just in love with an extraordinary woman. Until tomorrow, Kate. Sleep well."_

"_I love you. Write quickly."_

_Author's Note:_

_I hope that this is not found to be offensive. I tried to tread softly. These things are much easier to verbalize than to write. You have to keep the person's soft, slow voice in your head while reading to have it provide greater impact. These two are desperate at this point, and desperate times call for desperate measures._


	6. Chapter 6

**A BUMP IN THE ROAD**

Over the next few days, Kate had finally come to the realization that Alexander Graham Bell had invented the greatest sex toy known to man. Never in her life had she felt so much passion, such safety that allowed her the willingness to get lost in another, and never had she felt so loved. He wanted her to smile. That certainly was not a problem at the moment. That voice and those images could be accessed so easily you would have thought a computer chip had been placed in her brain.

The joint murder investigation with the Robbery Division turned out to be short lived. Due to the participants, the brass had determined that the case should be transferred to the Organized Crime Division. Kate had very little contact with Tom Demming during these few days, and when they did it had been cool, but cordial. The same could not be said for the experiences of Ryan and Esposito. In an effort to avoid any awkwardness with her presence in the Robbery Division, Kate had assigned the guys to represent her team in the day to day interactions regarding the case. Although by her own admission, Kate did not read Richard Castle very well, she had become quite adept at reading 'the boys'. She could sense their uneasiness and what seemed almost like anger when they would return from meetings. She let it go at first, but when they started to avoid her upon their returns, she wasn't going to let it go any longer.

"_What is it?", she asked._

_Esposito replied, "Uh, we just discussed how we would compile the evidence that we had so far to assist in the transfer to Organized Crime."_

_Kate countered, "Don't give me that. What's going on. You two look like your ready to go beat the shit out of someone."_

"_It's nothing, Boss, us guys have dealt with it before, we'll deal with it now.", Ryan offered._

"_What the hell does that mean, 'us guys'?", Kate snapped back._

_Esposito countered, "Detective, we'll handle the situation, just like we all have been doing. It'll be okay."_

"_'Us guys', 'we all', I want to know what's going on, and I want to know right now", Kate delivered as her own anger was starting to match theirs._

"_Kate, please we said that we would handle it, and...we also gave our word," Esposito replied._

_Stunned by him calling her Kate, she directed her two detectives to one of the observation rooms. As she slammed the door behind her she whirled on her two guys, "You know that I love you two like brothers, but I am not going to have something going on around here that I don't know about and that I am ultimately going to be held accountable for. Do you understand me?"_

_Ryan jumped in, "Boss, it's not like that. We would never do anything that would reflect badly on you, or us for that matter. We'll handle it."_

"_If I hear that one more time, I will shoot you both right where you stand."_

_Esposito muttered "It's just the ragging on you now by their detectives and a continuation of the ridiculing of..."_

"_Of who, or what?"_

"_Uh,... Castle."_

"_Tell me everything, and tell me now." The rage inside Kate was reaching the level of her recent passionate interludes._

"_Boss, you really don't..."_

"_Now."_

"_You know he's not going to trust us anymore."_

"_I'll take care of Ri...Castle."_

_Stumbling through it, Esposito literally gave it up, "Last spring when you began dating Demming, the Robbery detectives started giving Ryan and I grief about how much better Robbery detectives were than Homicide detectives. That was really nothing. Then they started in on Castle being such a big shot, but that he was nothing compared to a police detective. The longer that you kept seeing him the more brutal they became with Castle. They would mock him with the fact that he had been 'sniffing around you' for a year and a half, and he 'still couldn't get to first base'. 'Hell, he couldn't even get out of the fuckin' batter's box, and their boy had only been at it for a couple of weeks, and he's already hitting homeruns.'"_

_Kate felt like she had been physically assaulted. All her mind could see was white, her muscles began to contract and the adrenaline was in full flow. "So the 'us guys' included...Castle?"_

"_Yeah... He made us promise that we would never say anything to you about what was taking place back then.", Ryan replied... "I hope he never finds out the we caved. We don't know how you feel about him now, but he has always been there for us, and I know that I can only speak for myself, but I feel like we just let him down. At least he hasn't had to hear the comments from this summer."_

"_Which are?"_

"_Beckett..."_

"_Don't Beckett me, what have they been saying to you this summer, and obviously right now during this investigation?"_

_Reluctantly, Esposito continued, "They have been laughing at him all summer. Saying how he was 'driven out of here with his tail between his legs' because you rejected him. The mighty playboy had been bested.' Now, since it seems that you are not seeing Demming anymore they are labeling you as a prima donna. That you used their guy to show everyone that you were tougher than any Nikki Heat character could ever think about being. We have already witnessed the fact that Castle can handled being ridiculed, and would do whatever it takes to keep it from you, but I, or we, are not sure what he would do if he knew they were starting to say things about you. Kate, Castle may be a bit of a goof sometimes, but there has never been any question in our minds as to what you mean to him. It's none of our business what goes on between you two, we just want you to know that we are here to do whatever you want us to do about this. I do have to agree with Ryan, Castle is going to be pissed that we shared this stuff with you. He would never do anything intentionally to hurt you, but he would also not want you to have to fight his battles."_

"_I will take care of dealing with Castle. He will not blame you for anything. You are his partners, and his friends. He will not forget that. I don't want you to do anything about the Robbery Division guys, and neither will I until I talk to Rick. And yes, I said Rick. I love him, and I want him back here with us. I hope that you two can deal with that. I also understand that there are many more things than I thought that could prevent him from coming back here. I'm sorry that you guys got caught up in this. I hope that you believe that nothing that you have had to listen to was ever any direct intention of mine."_

_Ryan responded for both of them, "We are with you a hundred and ten percent. And, nothing could make us happier than for Castle to become Rick. Just tell us what you want, and when you want it?"_

"_Thanks, guys."_

_Walking out of the observation room, Kate didn't think she could be any angrier than she was after Esposito's first offering, but she had obviously had been wrong about a lot of things and certainly about this. There was a desperate need to start beating on something. As she sat at her desk, she remembered that she had been directed to roll her chair as close under the desk as possible so that he could do his magic. She couldn't believe that this had already worked on two prior occasions, but it wasn't working at the moment. She was not about to let these 'fucking clowns' get to her, or to Rick. They were not going to take away their love and their passion. She grabbed for her cell phone. It was time for a 'midday fix'._

"_Kate."_

"_Hi. I didn't catch you at a bad time did I?"_

"_No, not at all, it's always nice to hear from you during the day. Have you smiled today?"  
_

"_I'm sorry, but no. This hasn't been a very good day so far."_

"_I'm sorry too. Can I help you with anything? Do you need to talk?"_

"_Oh, I certainly need to talk."_

"_Did I do something wrong?"_

"_No, dammit, you didn't do anything wrong. Quit thinking you are making mistakes with me all the time."_

"_Kate, what's the matter? Did something happen?"_

"_I'm sorry I snapped at you. I cannot tell you how angry I am at this moment, and the fact that it has clouded my ability to experience your 'desk thingy' to calm me down is making me even angrier."_

"_Please just tell me what's wrong."_

"_It's going to take too long for me to go into it now. We'll talk about it tonight. I just want you to know that I love you more than anything in the world and I will never stop making sure that you know that. I guess that I also should tell you that I told Esposito and Ryan that I loved you. They couldn't be happier."_

"_You're confusing me a little. Are you angry because you told them, or because their happy about it?"_

"_No, neither one of those things. That just popped into my mind when I told you that I loved you. I'm just so pissed that I'm getting a little scattered. Let me calm down and I will call you at bedtime. While I'm still mad, I'll say this in my angry voice, finish that fucking book already and get your ass back home."_

"_I love you, too. I'll talk with you this evening."_

She certainly could see how he felt that he had to get out there. After the morning revelations and an afternoon of paperwork, all Kate could think about was getting the hell out of this place. She didn't know if she had ever felt such anger in her life. Probably during the grief process of her mother's death, but this somehow seemed different. She hadn't been a contributor to that circumstance so that anger was based upon a 'why her' and a 'why me' scenario. This situation involved her actions and her choices. Even though these actions and choices were truly no one's business but her own, someone else was paying a price for them. How was she going to deal with him about it without compromising Esposito and Ryan? She would have to make him understand that they were not just idly dismissing his trust in them, but attempting to assist us in dealing with the atmosphere of a portion of the precinct. She felt that she could handle that part, but the rest of it was definitely uncertain.

"_Good evening, Kate."_

"_Hi."_

"_Have you calmed down since this morning?" His tone was certainly soothing even though he seemed leery about what was to come._

"_Probably not. Rick, I'm not sure how to talk with you about something. I don't know whether it will upset you, or if it will make you retreat from what we have been building these last couple of weeks."_

"_That sounds rather ominous, Kate. Are you sure I didn't do something to make you mad?"_

"_Rick, please don't do that. We are both in this together. If you make me mad, I'll tell you, and I hope that you will do the same with me."_

"_Then just tell me what has upset you so much."_

"_I walked in on Ryan and Esposito as they were returning from a wrap up session of the robbery/homicide case that we had been working. The case was transferred to the Organized Crime Division because of the nature of the business of the suspects. So, we will no longer be involved in it."_

"_I know I shouldn't say it, but that news doesn't displease me at all. Are you trying to tell me that it does displease you?"_

"_No, of course not. I couldn't be happier about that part of it. It's what the guys were having to deal with in the Robbery Division that has me so upset. They looked so angry when they returned that I asked them about it. They weren't going to tell me anything until I told them that I am ultimately responsible for what goes on with my team, and I didn't want to get blindsided by something that I was not aware of. What they told me was the last thing that I would have ever considered, so please don't be mad at them for telling me. It's killing them that you are going to think they betrayed you."_

_The silence was almost palpable. It was like Kate couldn't even hear him breath on the other end of the phone._

"_Kate, please don't go there with this."_

"_What? Why not? There is no reason for this to have taken place and it shouldn't continue."_

"_Just let it go. Nothing good will come from addressing it."_

"_So you just want to let these losers talk about you, call you names and throw it in your face as to what they think 'their boy' was doing with me. Well, I don't like it and it pisses the hell out of me. It's starting to piss me off that you aren't angry about it. Why didn't you ever tell me that this was going on?"_

"_Kate, I know that you are upset, but just think about your question for a second."_

"_What? You should have come to me and I would have said something to them."_

"_Kate, you can't seriously think that I would have been in a position to come to you about anything, let alone that. What would I have said, 'Oh, Kate, your boyfriend's buddies are giving me a lot of grief about what a loser I am and that their guy is really scoring with you.' Do you think that I would demean you that way? Did you ever once think that I was dying through all of this and that all I wanted was you, but you wanted someone else. Even if I wanted to come to you, I couldn't. I've dealt with people talking about me my entire life. As I have told you before, I'm no saint, but ninety-five percent of what is written about me, or reported about me is utter bullshit. For all I know what they were saying was true, so even if I wanted to address it I had nothing to stand on. I'm not looking for anyone to fight my battles, and I certainly would not have been in a position with you to discuss what was taking place...Please, let's not do this."_

"_I know what you are saying, but I never wanted anything like that to happen. I didn't set out to hurt you, I was just scared of my feelings for you. I can't believe I allowed this to happen to us."_

"_Kate, you can't be sorry for living your life as you choose. That is why I left. You had made your choice and you were acting on it. As I told you, my only insecurities in life center around you, and I couldn't watch and experience your choice anymore. I've spent my adult life creating images for people to escape to in order to understand a story. I didn't have to create images with regard to you and Tom because they were right in front of me. To watch you interact with him, to smile at him, just your longing gaze at him were being indelibly etched in my mind. The words that his colleagues used began to create such images that I just wasn't able to handle at the time. My absence from that place and from you have helped to bury some of those thoughts and images, but not all together. I'm sorry that I'm weak with regard to you and this topic, but I am not weak in my ability to deal with others and this topic. This conversation is serving to resurrect those images for me, that's why I'm asking you to drop it. I will try to do better, but right at this moment I'm not."_

"_So, what am I supposed to do, nothing? I can't let this hang over us and destroy what progress we've made."_

"_I guess it does serve to negate the plan that you set out for me coming back. I just don't know at this point."_

"_Are you saying you're not coming back to me?"_

"_No, I just don't know how to do it at this point. If they are still making fun of me, then coming back is only going to make it possible for them to bring you more into their jibes. I won't let that happen."_

"_Don't tell me not to try to protect you, and then turn around and base your decisions on whether something might cause me some discomfort. That's just not fair. They're already saying that I set this whole thing up just to show how tough I am. I may not be in the public eye like you are, but I am visible around here. And for me, that is my world."_

"_Dammit, Kate, I'm sorry. I just..._

"_QUIT IT! …...Quit saying your sorry, unless you are telling me that you are sorry for loving me. In this instance you didn't do anything, let alone do anything wrong."_

"_After our last conversation I was so looking forward to coming back and experiencing what we could build together. Being with you at work, having you with me for the book launch and most importantly having you around our home more often. With dealing with this situation tonight, I haven't told you that I talked to Alexis and Mother last night. I let them in on what we have been doing the last couple of weeks. I had to rein them in a little. Even though I told her not to, Alexis has probably already notified her school today that you are to be considered the next-in-line responsible party in her personal file, and Mother was on the phone with her interior decorator friends attempting to reserve their time for you this Fall. Even as presumptuous as all of that sounds, I have to admit it made me feel good. I'm not saying any of this to pressure you, only letting you know how happy they are that you may be back in our lives. Hopefully, we can come up with something."_

"_Rick, I will not allow these bastards to dictate our lives. I know that this is too important to me to let that happen, and I am trusting that it is important to you. I'm just going to start crying if I try to respond to what you said about Alexis and Martha, so I will leave that for another time."_

"_Kate it's late, and you need to get some rest. I wish today hadn't happened, and I will try to do something about it. I think I will need to talk to Gina..._

"_WHAT? I thought you said that Gina wasn't there."_

"_Gina is not here, Kate. I guess I should have said I will need to call her."_

"_Why the hell do you need to call her? What is she going to do about any of this?"_

"_I'm not sure she can do anything at this point, but it may be worth a try."_

"_So now I'm just supposed to blissfully drift off to sleep knowing that you are going to be talking to her."_

"_I'm going to talk to her so that I can possibly help us. Okay?"_

"_What if I say no?"_

"_Then I would ask that you not be so shortsighted in trying to resolve this issue."_

"_You know that I can come up with some excuse to have either one of your phones tapped to make sure that the content of your conversation with her doesn't get within a million miles of your conversations with me?"_

"_Yes mam, I do. Of all of things that we have to concern ourselves with at this time, that prospect doesn't even get near the radar screen."_

"_I can still get to you, you know?"_

"_You have always been able to, Kate. I just wish I had been able to make you see that a long time ago."_

"_That's not what I meant, but it was a nice response. I wish I hadn't been so blind."_

"_Go to sleep. I will see what I can work out. Please reflect on one of our earlier 'interludes' to allow you to relax. I love you very much."_

"_God, I hate this. I truly need you to hold me right now, and tell me that we are going to be alright...I love you too. Until tomorrow."_


	7. Chapter 7

**SOME ROAD WORK**

"Kate?"

"Well?"

"Well what? Kate, are you hurt, or sick?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Kate, it's 3:35am, What's the matter?"

"Oh, I thought it was a little after 7:15am. I guess I didn't look at the clock very closely. I'm sorry." 

"Are you alright? You obviously aren't sleeping. Did something happen?"

"I fell asleep after you told me to do 'those things we do', but it didn't last very long. All I could think about was my anger and you telling me you were going to talk to Gina. Why do you have to talk to her?"

"It's not that I have to talk to her, it's just that I may be able to try to head off some things that could happen that could effect you by using some of her contacts. Is this about me trying to protect you, or is it about Gina?"

"When you say it like that, I guess it's about both. I caused this to happen, and I'm not looking for you to clean it up. I'm not a prima donna, nor am I a loose woman. I'm fine with my virtue, you don't have to run in and save it for me, especially since you are the one that is getting raked over the coals by this whole thing."

"Do you really want to talk about this at three thirty on a Saturday morning? You should be asleep so that you can have a nice restful day off."

"Right, like that's going to happen. Well, did you talk to her?"

"I tried her cell phone last night, but didn't reach her. It would've been pointless for me to call her office at that time of night, especially since it was Friday. I assume that she may be with William for the weekend, so if I don't get her on her cell phone I'll try his house."

"WHO THE HELL IS WILLIAM, and how do you know where he lives?"

"Kate, why are you yelling at me?"

"JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION."

"Kate this is getting a little exasperating. William, is William Parsons. He is an investment banker, who works with one of the financial institutions in Manhattan. He has a beach house on the west end of Long Island in the West Hampton area. He and Gina have been what I guess you would call a couple for about a year or so. I may be wrong about some of that, but it's not really any of my business, and since I don't go out anymore I'm not really up to date on who is doing what... Now, will you quit yelling at me?"

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME ANY OF THAT?"

"Well obviously you're not going to stop yelling at me. I'm at a loss as to why that information would have ever come up in our conversations, or what it would have to do with anything."

"YOU LEFT LAST SPRING WITH HER TO GO TO YOUR BEACH HOUSE, AND SHE WAS GOING TO 'STAY ON TOP OF YOU' ALL SUMMER. YOU DON'T THINK THAT HAD ANY IMPACT ON ME?"

"Kate, please calm down and stop yelling. Why are we going over this again?"

"Because you put me to sleep so beautifully, and then I wake up pissed off at what is happening and ruminating about what has virtually ruined this summer."

"Is this getting to be too much for you to be able to deal with? We can change our approach with this, and I can just come back and see what we can develop for us outside of your work. That way there won't be anything for the people at the precinct to possibly hassle you about."

"If we do that then they win. They take away one of the things that has been so enjoyable for us. Dammit, that's just not fair. I know I'm fearful about having the spotlight track our every move, but I also don't want us to have to hide for the rest of our lives."

"Life is not fair, Kate. I would rather quit my life and be with you in anonymity, than not to be with you at all. Kate, go back to bed and try to get some sleep. Call me later this morning. I love you. I will not accept us being apart ever again."

"Alright. I'll call you around lunchtime. I love you, too."

"Hello, Kate."

"Hi. Look, I'm sorry I was yelling earlier, I am just so upset that I lost it for a while. How do you stay so calm through all of this?"

"Unfortunately, I have had more experience with this kind of thing, and I have learned to follow an old axiom, 'don't let the bastards get you down'. I'm just sorry that you had to find out about it."

"Rick, please don't hold this against Ryan and Esposito. It would crush them if they felt you thought they had betrayed you."

"I'll never make them feel that way, Kate. I'll handle it. Were you able to get any more sleep?"

"A little. I used your 'shower story' and it put me right out."

"Are the orgasms continuing to intensify?"

"How the hell did you know that?"

"Because I love you, Kate. My only concern at this point is, if we ever do get to make love with one another, am I ever going to get to hold you and talk to you during the afterglow, or are you always going to go to sleep?"

"What is with the 'IF' part? There will be no 'Ifs', only 'when'. For me to stay awake you're going to have to reprogram that computer chip you put in my brain regarding this stuff."

"Perhaps will just concentrate on multiple orgasms, and I'll get to talk to you in between time."

"That sure as hell works for me. God, I can't tell you how much I love you, or how you make me feel. Why does someone, or something always get in the way of allowing us to be together?"

"Maybe the harder we have to work to get there, the better it will be when we do...Kate, I was able to reach Gina this morning. She was at William's house. I've asked her to get me her inside contacts at all of the local papers and magazines, people that I can trust to try to exclude, or at least buffer any information that might come their way. I didn't give her all of the details, but it's not like she didn't already know some things and could figure out how someone might use it against me. She has been pissed at me for some time, as Black Pawn has been, so this incident certainly didn't please them. They were much happier with the image that they created, as opposed to what I have given them for the past year."

"Here we go again. I feel like I must live on another planet. What is that supposed to mean?"

"I'm assuming you mean the inside contacts, you certainly can't mean the other stuff?"

"Why do you say that? Why the hell would Gina be pissed at you? You've made her millions on top of what you give her monthly."

"Kate, you can't honestly tell me that you don't know that Gina is extremely upset about the fact that I'm in love with you, and that I left the night life over a year ago to show you that I was committed to demonstrating that to you. I have been with you almost daily for over a year, my God you lived in our home for twenty-three days and I know that you had some private conversations with Alexis and Mother. Are you just blocking that out?"

"To begin with, it was twenty-three and a half days because I didn't get everything out until the afternoon of the last day."

"I will bow to your recollection. All I know, no, all that we know is that we wish you had never left. I know that it was twenty-three nights because that's about the number of hours of sleep that I got during that time."

"We'll get back to the other in a second. I slept like a baby while I was at the loft. You told me that I would be safe and I would be with people that cared about me. And, that's certainly how I was made to feel. So why couldn't you sleep?"

"So now I'm supposed to answer that and make you mad again... What the hell. Because there was only that one fuckin' wall between us and I wanted so very much to have you in my arms in 'our bed', I couldn't stand it. So, I just walked around the loft all night checking doors, windows and terraces. Then I would just sit in the hallway outside your door to make sure nothing could get to you. I was trying to protect you, okay. Get pissed at me, if you want."

"Kate?"

"Rick, I, uh, um, I'm so utterly overwhelmed by that, that I can't even begin to comprehend it let alone comment on it, unless it is to simply say that I'm not angry with you for trying to protect me... You never cease to amaze me...Uh, well, uh, back to the other, you're telling me that Gina knows that you love me. How?"

"I really never had a chance at getting through to you, did I? I can only assume that she knows the same way that Paula, Ryan, Esposito, Lanie, Roy and possibly everyone else at the precinct knows. It was just there. All of the big things that were done. All of the little things that were done. Everything was just a manifestation of what I was trying to make you see. None of those things were done for you to thank me for, or make you feel beholden to me, they were merely done to make you see that I was paying attention to the complexity of you and how you needed to feel comfortable with another person's intent. Almost everything I did for you would anger Gina even more. _Why couldn't you just go out with a different woman every week and maintain the image that we had created? Why did you have to fall in love someone? And then the worst of all public relations fiascoes, you go and get the ultimate rejection from her, by her getting deeply involved with someone else, and causing you to flee from her presence. How am I supposed to sell that to your fans and the general public?_ Kate, it's ridiculous to keep rehashing all of this. Suffice it to say that it is in her best interest, as well as Black Pawn, to do whatever they can to avoid me looking like a schmuck. I could give a shit about that because that is exactly how I have felt for these many months. There is nothing untrue that is being said about me, so there is no slander involved. And if any of the Robbery Division guys wanted to make a few bucks on the side by selling a story to the newspapers, or magazines I couldn't prove any libel. That is why I'm attempting to use Gina and Black Pawn's fear of my 'image' being damaged to forestall anything getting beyond the precinct. Of course Gina being Gina, she wanted me to bankroll some investigators to try and get some dirt on the guys in Robbery to use to blackmail them into submission, but once you go that route it is a never ending carousel. I will try to see what I can do with this angle, unless you can think of anything else?"

"No."

"If this doesn't work, Kate, I will just have to take my lumps. Whether my fans will see me as being a pathetic loser, I don't know. Whether it will impact my marketability to the extent that I'm not seen as a viable commodity anymore, I'll just have to wait to see. At least I have been prudent with my money over the years, if there is ever a we, we will not be dependent upon anyone's charitable nature."

"Okay."

"Kate, did I say something wrong, or did I fail to lay this out properly. You're being very quiet."

"I'm sorry, I'm not dealing with all of this very well at the moment, and then you go and tell me these other things today. I just can't believe how things got so out of hand. I should have been able to comprehend what was taking place. I should not have been afraid of what was taking place. Bottom line, I should never have left the loft. That wall between the two bedrooms should have been the last one to come down. I know that you know that I hate to say this, but I need you. There is no question in my mind that I want you and I love you, but I know now that I truly need you in order to be fulfilled. What goes along with that is Alexis and Martha. I told you I couldn't talk about that before because I would just start crying... I miss my mother deeply. Martha has been direct with me; confrontational; accepting; supportive; and most of all loving. All of the things that my mother used to provide. I know that I want to continue to experience that with her...I have always envied your relationship with Alexis. That other kind of love that one gets to hold dear. She is so precious to me that my separation from her these many months has almost matched the despair of our separation. I should never have left the loft. If we don't get this worked out, I will rue that day for the rest of my life."

"Kate, we'll get through this. We might get beat up a little along the way, but the things that are, and will be, the most important in life will be there for us. Your father and your true friends will not abandon you because of the petulant ramblings of people whose only plight in life is to bring others down to their level. And, you know that Mother and Alexis are going to unconditionally love you. I know that I will not be able to take care of everything, but that doesn't mean that I won't die trying. The only constant in all of this is how much I have loved you. Maybe I should have gotten out of your hair a long time ago, so none of this would have come your way. I was sure that I had lost you forever, and sitting out here this summer I tried to thoroughly convince myself of that. I thought if I wrote Rook out of Nikki's life it would provide some form of metaphorical closure for me. Those were the only words on the screen for weeks, just staring at me day after day. And then, I wrote a letter."


	8. Chapter 8

**CONCEPTUALIZING A PLAN**

Entering the Detective Unit of the 12th Precinct, Kate tossed her purse and her cell phone on her desk and headed straight to the break-room. She had to get her 'heart started' for the day, and an espresso was the definite drug of choice. The aroma that was emanated from the machine almost served as an aphrodisiac to her senses. _Bless him for purchasing this machine for us. _As she stood in the room savoring her first taste of the morning, 'her boys' sauntered in with their own mission obvious to anyone in sight. Esposito and Ryan battled one another for their personalized cups and then for the machine. Only after their first sips did they seem to be humanized enough to offer morning greetings.

"Morning, Boss", they both uttered.

"Do you think we even realize how pathetic we are that we have to depend on this thing to make it possible for us to be civil to one another every morning," Kate responded.

"I really don't think about it much, I just blame Castle," Ryan countered.

"That kind of works for me to," Espi added.

"I'll tell him you said that," Kate replied over her shoulder as she left the break-room.

Ryan quizzically looked at Esposito and said, "You don't think he'll come in here and take it back do you?"

To which Esposito replied, "You think she would let him out of here alive, if he tried that?"

As Kate walked backed to her desk, her cell phone was beeping, noting that she had a "missed call". Pressing the button, she saw that the call had been less than five minutes ago from Rick. It seemed like a hundred things flashed through her mind within a split second. _What's wrong? You said you wouldn't call during work hours, that I was to call you? I haven't read the paper yet, did one of those bastards blab something to someone, and now it's spread all over page 6? Dammit, why can't everyone just leave us alone?_

"Good morning, Detective Beckett." The voice still got to her even now when she was panicking.

"What's wrong?"

"What?"

"Don't 'what' me, you said you wouldn't call here, that I was supposed to call you. So obviously there must be something wrong... Uh, good morning to you too. I miss you."

"And I miss you, Kate. I also love you; I think, no I know that you are the most beautiful woman that I have ever encountered; I can easily lose my entire being in your eyes; even the darkest moments are brightened by just a hint of you smile;...

"Alright, what did you do?"

"Oh, so cynical, Katherine Beckett. To think that I would attempt to ply you with revery to soften the blow of some misadventure that I might feel the need to inform you about."

"Is there going to be more of this bullshit, or are you going to tell me what you did?"

"I have done nothing m'lady, except for the missing you and loving you part. However, it seems the same cannot be said for a certain Homicide Detective."

"What are you talking about?"

"I have in my hot little hand, a hand that I would gladly use to attempt to please you in the most erotic way if you would like; an invoice from DKNY forwarded to me by said detective previously identified, for $487.36. Do I get an explanation for this?"

"That's why you scared me to death with your call. You couldn't have waited till I called sometime today, or this evening. 'Apples' would not even come close to making me stop if you were here right now."

"I apologize. I just opened the envelope from you and my first instinct was to call. I didn't mean to make you anxious. I'm on bended knees begging you for forgiveness."

"There are only two things I want you on bended knees for, and this sure as hell isn't one of them."

"Have you had any coffee yet this morning?"

"I've had only two sips, before some idiot decided to get my day off to a frantic start."

"I suppose this means your not going to tell me what the invoice is for?

"We said that we were going to take responsibility for our actions, correct?"

"Uh, yes."

"Well, what is being billed for in this invoice was necessitated due to your actions. So just take responsibility and pay the damn bill."

"Kate, I will gladly pay any bill for you at any time, I was just wondering what it was for?"

"You're not paying it for me. It's your responsibility. You're the mastermind of mysteries, you figure it out. Or, you're the master of minds. There's a hint for you, okay. I love you. I'll talk to you this evening."

)()()()()(

"God, I miss you."

"Good evening to you too. Were you able to get some work done today?"

"Actually, a great deal. I still miss you, but just our brief repartee this morning was enough to spark my mind into action. There may, or may not be things that are wrong about us, Kate, but being able to mentally stimulate one another has never been in question. You are literally and figuratively never out of my mind."

"So now I suppose you're going to tell me you didn't do anything again to get yourself in trouble? If we're going to talk so much on the damn phone, I'm going to have to learn how to verbalize an eye roll."

"You made need that skill with someone else over the phone, but I can envision just about everything you are doing by the intonation of your speech. As I said you are extraordinary, KB, and no one will ever care for you more, or love you more than I do."

"Quit it."

"You can't make me. And yes, I paid 'MY' bill at DKNY. I also added your name to the authorized signature list for my account there, so that this will not be an issue in the future."

"WHY DO YOU HAVE AN ACCOUNT AT DKNY?"

"I'm just going to be blunt about this one and you can get mad if you want. To steal your phrase, 'you're an idiot'. Did you ever notice a small female person with strawberry colored hair that eats and sleeps with me on a daily basis, and loves you like you were her own mother; and an older woman that flits in and out of our residence that loves you like you were her own daughter. Those people purchase a variety of clothing on a regular basis. I never checked to see if they purchased that many pairs of panties at one given time, but in their cases, I don't particularly want to go there, if that's alright?"

"I told you to quit it... Rick, I miss them so much."

"I know, they say the same to me about you. This has been a summer of missing. Let's please don't let this happen again."

"Do you have any idea how many times I have been caught sitting at my desk with my eyes closed? People are beginning to think that I must never sleep. Not to mention the time Roy caught me sitting in your chair. I had to tell him I was just attempting to get a different perspective on a certain piece of evidence. Now that I think of it, that really wasn't even a lie. My next purchase there might have to be a bigger carryall just to handle wardrobe changes. You are a dangerous man, but I love it and you."

"Kate, we need to discuss how we are going to handle certain things concerning us to make sure that you are going to be comfortable with them."

"You think with all of the things we have done together on the phone that I am going to be uncomfortable with you, or us doing those things for real?"

"God, I can't believe I'm saying this, but that is not what I was referring to. But, I'm going to have that last sentence of yours indelibly etched into both of our minds. I'm talking about some of the practical things we are going to have to deal with."

"Like what?"

"Like I have spent well over a year loving you and wanting you, I don't want us to be apart any longer. I want you to live with us, but only if you are truly comfortable with it. I want us to be able to do our personal things in public. Again only at your comfort level. I have done so little during the past year, that this will not be as big an issue at is once might have been. But, there are still launch parties, book signings, mayoral functions, charity functions, etc., etc. We can weed them out, but there are some that might necessitate our attendance. I guess just using the word 'our' may be an issue. Are you comfortable with people knowing that you and I are an 'us'?

"Yes; yes; iffy/scared; yes/scared."

"You wouldn't care to flesh that out a little would you?"

"Rick, if this was just you and me, I would do all of these things in a heartbeat. I don't know what the public life will do to my career, and I won't ever know unless I do those things. But if it proves to be detrimental after the fact then I won't be able to take it back, people will already start to label me just like they labeled you. Will I be taken seriously in the future, or will I just be some frustrated significant other, or wife trying to show that she can do it all. These are the things that are the biggest issues for me. Part of me feels that I should maintain my apartment, but spend ninety-nine percent of my time at the loft. But then what am I saying to you with that, 'I can always go back to my apartment'. That's not fair to either of us. I don't want an easy out if we should happen to get mad at one another. If we mean as much to each other as we have been saying these past three weeks, then we must be willing to fight through our fights to protect our relationship...I'm scared about the thought of cameras being pushed into my face and people writing about what we actually do, or what they want people to think we are doing. But please, never interpret that to mean that I'm not proud to be in a relationship with you and to have the world know that you and I are an 'us'. I know that you didn't mention it, but we still have to deal with the work situation. I will make no bones about it, I want you with me. I know that it might not work out, but you have to know that I'm going to be so pissed off about it that it might make me hard to live with for a while."

"Kate, you know that Alexis and Mother are already making future plans for us just based on their own elation about the prospect of our being together. I know that I can get them to tone it down, but...

"Please quit it. I don't know what it is, I can't talk about them. I want to hold her so much I can't stand it. I would give anything to have been there for those sixteen years, and I don't want to miss any more. So let's just avoid this for the moment. I understand that this is important and I promise you I will not neglect talking about it."

"You are not going to miss anything in the future unless you want to. I'm certainly not suggesting that we try to replace Alexis in our lives because that will never happen for me, but there could always be the possibility that we have a child together. God, I say that and all I can think is are we getting way ahead of ourselves with all of this. Three weeks ago I felt that my life was virtually over. I was haunted by the visions in my head, and the desperation of my attempts for a year and a half to make you want me. These last three weeks have been a God send. I know how I feel about you. I know that this did not take place during the last three weeks, but during the previous seventy-plus. My insecurity with regard to you makes me feel that we're riding this wave, and any minute now you're going to jump off and tell me that we have to slow down, or you're going to move on to someone else."

"Rick, are you telling me that you're scared?"

"You bet you're incredibly beautiful ass I am. You said you never felt more safe in your life than when you were in my arms. Well,...Kate,...I have never been in your arms. I can imagine it, but I've never been there. I'm not throwing this out there just for nothing, but merely to try to make you understand my trepidation. In all of our time together, you never did any little things for me. You certainly did big things by protecting my life, but you would have felt that responsibility for anyone who was with you in a crisis situation. But you never did any little things that would have demonstrated that you were paying attention. I have all those many months to reflect on loving you. So, this isn't fast for me. Even if you didn't notice, or didn't want to, you could now reflect on all of those things to know how I loved you and wanted you. All I have is the last two weeks of you telling me that you love me. Am I scared that these weeks are not enough time for you to make all of these decisions. Yes, I am."

"How did this conversation turn so quickly? Again, you have said things that have just been 'out there'. Things that I have not thought about. I don't know how to respond to them. It's like in the next mil-second, 'can I visualize our time together these many months and understand that what you say is true'. I can't, but there is a great possibility that it is true. I'm not going to make excuses and say that I had no clue what you were doing so I didn't do those things in return. You never once made me feel that you were trying to manipulate me with your treatment of me. All of your 'little things' were thoughtful and caring, and you never openly asked for anything in return. Did it show me that you were paying attention? I now understand that, I didn't put the appropriate significance to your behavior at the time. I could say that I'm sorry, but that's not going to make you any less scared right now. I know you think that I have only loved you for the past two weeks, but that simply is not true. Of course at first, I was enamored with you, but I guess that it's true that all of the little things became constant battering rams that continued to break down my walls of protection. I failed to label your 'paying attention' for what they actually were 'unconditional gestures of love'. I hate the fact that I failed to make that recognition. As I told you in our earlier conversations, I will never fail again to make you feel that I am not paying attention, nor that you are so deeply loved."

"The change in direction of the conversation is my responsibility. I have been doing this so long with you, that when you saying something so meaningful as you did about Alexis, that I get excited and say something completely over the top for that particular moment, like a child of our own, and that makes me feel like if I don't correct that behavior immediately I'm going to make you mad, or turn you off, or something. I've walked on egg shells for so long in trying to do the right thing I wind up getting in my own way."

"We've talked about mistakes before. If you are going to allow me to make them, I certainly have to allow you to do the same. I wouldn't consider what you said anything even approaching a mistake, but if you are still in that mindset regarding how you need to be careful with me, I can see where you might see it that way. Regardless, this is just another relationship issue that we are going to have to work through. There will be 'no egg shell walking'. By either of us. If you're pissed off at me, tell me. If I'm not making sense about something, tell me. If you want to grab my 'incredibly beautiful ass', grab it. I do reserve the right to smack you if the last item is done in the middle of the dance floor at some Charity Ball...Rick, I'm not trying to make light of what you have had to experience these many months, I just want you to know that I'm now paying attention."

"Kate, please think about all of these different areas of concern so that whatever plan that we can conceptualize allays as many fears that either one of us might have. I've loved you for as long as I've known you."

"Mr. Castle, I have virtually thought of nothing else, except during our interludes, since I received a letter from someone who promised to cherish me and unconditionally love me. It got the emotional side of my heart started again, much like his espresso machine does for the physical side of my heart each morning. I never would have believed it, and surely wouldn't have admitted it, but I can very likely match your declaration of love. So, ponder that, _Kitten_, as you drift off to sleep tonight. I can't wait till I hear your voice tomorrow. I love you, sleep well."


End file.
